Working Together to Resolve Disagreements: How Parents of Young Children Can Resolve Conflicts

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Note: While parts of this article relate specifically to services for families whose children are ages birth to three years old, the overall strategies suggested relate to all families, no matter the age of their child.

When families with babies or very young children recognize that their child needs assistance or support, they are often thrust into a situation in which they have multiple service providers with whom they must interact. Since team meetings with all the individuals who are involved are often difficult to schedule, sometimes service providers and families aren’t “on the same page,” and differences of opinion and conflicts emerge. When situations like this occur, it’s helpful for families to have strategies as they work to communicate with the professionals on their child’s team to assure their child’s needs are met. The tips below are intended to help families in these kinds of situations.

What Causes Conflict?

Conflict is a normal part of all relationships and occurs when there are differences in perspective. It is important to keep this in mind as you navigate services for your child and family. When conflict arises, it does not mean that one person is right and the other is wrong per say – it does mean that effective communication on both sides is necessary if there is going to be a resolution.

Conflict is usually caused by:

Different assumptions
Miscommunication
Blaming others for your emotions
Not communicating until you erupt (or the volcano syndrome)

Effective Communication Skills

Like any new skill, effective communication takes practice. Here are the key components of effective communication skills, taken from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Non-Violent Communication. For more information on non-violent communication, please visit The Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website.

First, be a good listener. Don’t plan your response while the other person is talking. Instead, focus your attention on trying to understand the other person’s point of view, needs, wants, feelings, and ideas. Sometimes it can be helpful to paraphrase what you heard the other person say to make sure you understood. This helps eliminate incorrect assumptions. You could begin by saying, “I want to make sure I am understanding you correctly. I heard you say….” After you paraphrase what you heard, check your understanding with the other person, and give him/her the chance to say more. “Did I understand you correctly? Is there anything else you’d like to add?” Let the person finish before you start responding to what he/she said. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might he/she be feeling/needing?

Second, make observations, not judgments. Observations are free from judgment, evaluation, or opinion. They are based on fact. For example, instead of saying, “The occupational therapist does not care about my son!” say, “The occupational therapist has not shown up for the past 2 appointments.” Or, if talking directly to the person (which is always best) say, “I’ve noticed you haven’t shown up for our last 2 appointments.”

Third, express and take responsibility for your feelings. Sometimes, especially when strong emotions are involved (which can be often when you are dealing with the challenges of supporting a child with a disability) it can be difficult to express and take responsibility for your emotions. Avoid blaming others for how you feel. The simple way to do this is through the use of an “I-statement.” For example, instead of saying, “You made me angry.” say, “I feel angry.” Don’t get caught in the “volcano syndrome” style of communicating. This is when you don’t express how you are feeling to avoid conflict. When you do this, emotions build up, and eventually, you explode. Conflict is most effectively resolved when it is dealt with immediately. A sample listing of feelings that can be used as a starting point can be found here.

Fourth, connect your emotions to your needs. Usually, our emotions are telling us that our needs are not getting met in some way. When feeling strong emotions, take some time to figure out what it is you need, and add that to your “I-statement.” For example: “I feel angry when I’ve cleared my schedule and you don’t show up. I need to trust you to keep the schedule so my child can get the services he needs.” A sample listing of needs that can be used as a starting point can be found here.

And finally, make a request. When making a request, you are asking to get your needs met. It is impossible to do this without knowing first what your needs are. When you make a request, you are not trying to control the other person or make a demand- instead you are honestly trying to acknowledge and communicate what you need from the other person to help resolve the conflict. “I would like to request that if you can’t keep our appointment that you call me and give me as much advance notice as possible. I’d also like to make up the 2 missed OT sessions. Is that possible?”

Review of the Steps:

Non Violent Communication Flow Chart

Working Collaboratively to Resolve Problems

“The chances for resolving a conflict increase if the strengths of the relationship – the shared concerns and needs – are given more attention than the single point of separation.” – Author Unknown

Throughout your child’s life, you will work with many service providers, professionals, and teachers. Creating strong relationships with your child’s support network is key to working together well and resolving conflict. When a strong relationship is in place, communication is easier, and less tense because trust has been established. For example, if you trust your child’s Occupational Therapist (OT), and have a good relationship with her, when she doesn’t show up, your first thought will not be that she doesn’t care about your child.

Tips for Building Collaborative Relationships

Point out the positive/good things you see your child’s service providers doing. Everyone likes to feel appreciated.
Avoid miscommunication by practicing the communication skills above.
If you are not satisfied with something, speak up immediately. Don’t let things build up.
Ask for agreements in writing to avoid misunderstandings.
Ask providers if there is anything you can do to support them as they do their job (i.e. provide more information about your child, offer water or snacks, etc.)
Honor your commitments, just as you would expect your service providers to honor theirs.
Listen to the opinions of others and express your own. Recognize disagreement and conflict as a natural part of any relationship.

FAQ’s:

Question: I don’t like my child’s service provider very much. What can I do?

Answer: Rather than focusing on not liking the service provider, see if you can pinpoint what the behaviors are that you dislike. Then, try talking to the service provider about what you have observed, how you feel, what you need, and what you’d like to request. See if direct communication on your part can create a change in how you feel about the provider.

Question: I am afraid of conflict, and so I avoid it.

Answer: This is very common. However, most people are afraid of conflict because they have never been taught how to do conflict in a healthy way. If there is a conflict you need to address, role-play the situation with a friend, spouse, or partner first. Practice the effective communication skills. Ask for their feedback, and make adjustments if necessary. You also may find it helpful to write down what you want to say.

Question: I don’t like something about our Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP) but I don’t know how to change it to make it better.

Answer: Start by identifying what it is you don’t like. Are your child’s goals aligned with your family’s values? If not, what values would you like to see reflected in the IFSP? Next, call your service provider to set up a time to discuss your concerns. For more information on IFSPs please visit Early Intervention Colorado’s website.

Question: My child has speech therapy on his IFSP to help him learn to talk. We want the speech therapist to work with him at daycare so he can practice with other children and so the daycare provider can see how to help him too. The therapist says she has a really busy schedule so we have to take him to her office and take time off work. What can we do?

Answer: Start by talking with your child’s service coordinator. Let her know your concerns and tell her that you’ve talked with the speech therapist but were unable to resolve the issue. Under Part C of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, or IDEA (which is the overarching special education law) services for children with IFSPs need to be provided to the child in their Natural Environments, which means providing services in the home and in community settings where children without disabilities also participate. Tell your service coordinator that you would like to get the IFSP team together to talk about the issue collaboratively. For more information Part C of IDEA please visit the U.S. Department of Education’s website.

Question: Where can I find more information about how to resolve conflicts collaboratively?

Answer: The following organizations and websites can be helpful:

Remember, you can always contact a Parent Advisor at PEAK Parent Center for information on communication, resolving conflicts, advocacy, early intervention services, and much more! Contact a Parent Advisor today by phone (800) 284.0251 or by email at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

PEAK Parent Center www.peakparent.org - Fall 2011 SPEAKout Newsletter

Photo of the handshake included under Creative Commons License by o5com. Photo of the Needs List included under Creative Commons License by libookperson.