Ask A Parent Advisor: Bullying

Question:

My daughter, who has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Learning Disabilities (LD), is in middle school and has been teased and called names by another girl. The “teasing” got worse last year, and my daughter was pushed down by this girl. My daughter was humiliated and doesn’t want to go to school this fall. What can I do to help my daughter?

Answer:

It's a natural reaction for parents to be afraid when their children are out of their protective reach and appear to be at the mercy of a bully. A good place to get some information about bullying is a pamphlet called Preventing Bullying: A Manual For Schools And Communities published by the U.S. Department of Education, which can be ordered for free. This pamphlet addresses the problem of bullying in schools, defines bullying, discusses the seriousness of this behavior and the effectiveness of a comprehensive approach, and presents strategies for teachers, students, and parents to use when dealing with bullying.

Another important place to start is to talk with your daughter. Let her know that this is not her fault. She does not have a character flaw that makes her deserving of bullying. Respect is a basic human right. Help her see that she is not at fault, and it is actually the bully’s behavior that is the source of the problem.

It is appropriate for you to call the school and discuss this with the teacher, counselor, or principal. Ask the school office or your child’s teacher who would be the best person to contact. Your daughter may ask you to NOT call the school because she is afraid of more bullying, but as a parent it is your decision, not your child’s. Sometimes a student thinks she should take care of the situation on their own, but without the support of the adults, or the proper skills this approach often isn’t very effective.

There are some tools you can share with your daughter that can boost her confidence and improve her ability to handle a bullying situation if it happens again:

Have your daughter seek immediate help from an adult. You can help her identify a ‘safe contact’ that has already spoken with your daughter so she knows she will be believed if she reports bullying to school personnel.
Encourage your daughter to walk with a buddy. If your daughter feels uncomfortable walking alone, but a buddy isn’t available, have her tell her teacher, “I’m uncomfortable walking alone; please help.” The adult can then arrange for your daughter to be escorted.
Have your daughter practice speaking up for herself. Have her practice saying “stop” to the bully. Have her practice ignoring and walking away. Have her practice having a “standing tall and brave” attitude.
Do research with your daughter online looking at various bullying prevention websites. She can learn more tools and hear testimonies from other people who have been bullied, learning how they persevered. Then, your daughter will realize that she is not the only one who has experienced bullying, and can find strength in other people’s triumphs.
Have her brainstorm with you ways to handle this situation. Help her think of nonviolent ways to interact with the bully. She may express some approaches that would get her in trouble and as the adult you can help her see why that wouldn’t be the best idea! She may want to bully back, and while you might have similar feelings, it is your role as her parent to teach her to ‘rise above’ those feelings and find a better way to handle the situation.

Here are some websites you may want to explore with her that are family-friendly:

Bully Free Zone Sign This is a small snapshot of the multitudes of websites with information on bullying prevention. When our children have hard life lessons, we have a chance to show them how to persevere. As hard as it undoubtedly is, parents have a golden opportunity as a parent to shift the traumatic experience into a valuable life lesson, fostering resilience that their children can carry with her forever.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and neither is your daughter! The Parent Advisors at PEAK Parent Center are very willing to walk this journey with you. Email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or call 719.531.9400 / 800.284.0251 to speak with a Parent Advisor today!

PEAK Parent Center www.peakparent.org - Back-To-School Special 2011 SPEAKout Newsletter

Photo of girl in black and white and the boy bullying another boy included under Creative Commons License by Chesi-Fotos CC’s. Bully Free Zone photo included under Creative Commons License by Eddie~S.